The Holidays Are Upon Us!

Ahh yes. December is upon us, where we frequently hear:

"Merry Christmas!"

or...

"Happy Holidays!" if you are so inclined.

Regardless, each greeting has some wish of happiness or merriment involved.

But the holidays aren't happy for all of us. For some of us, it is a time of pain and we fight to hold on to the joy we were taught to have so long ago.

If you couldn't tell, I am definitely one of those this year. And it hurts, because Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I love driving around and seeing all the twinkling lights through the darkness. To me, it perfectly defines Christmas: Light in the darkness.

Anyone who read my previous entry-- or actually knows me-- knows that I recently suffered a heartbreak.  It wasn't like we were dating and he dumped me or I dumped him, but it was still significant for me. I thought this time, I might actually have been able to answer "yes!" this year at the family reunions when people asked me if I was seeing anyone.

I think what hurts the most, is that-- and this is about to get real pathetic-sounding-- is that I begged God to help me STOP liking this boy if THIS is how it was going to end up. I've been down this road too many times before and I didn't want to walk it again. THAT is what hurt the most: it feels like God didn't care and wanted me to go through this all over again-- for the 4th time, if you are wondering why the previous entry was titled "number 4," now you know.

This feeling of being single and alone is something that usually hits me at the holidays, but not like this. I guess it's because the wound is too fresh and I was so taken by surprise that it didn't end up like I seriously thought it would for the first time.


So now I cringe every time I hear "All I Want for Christmas is You" or any other song like that.

Give me the regular Christmas songs from the hymnal! Not everybody is happy and in love at Christmas. And not everybody wants to hear how everybody else in their world IS, but I don't wish them unhappiness or anything.

I just wish I had the same happiness.

At least happiness does not equal joy.

And nothing can steal my Christmas joy. Not even a potential Flynn Rider, sailing off into the distance.

(As usual, all images owned by Disney)