number 4...

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part..."






"...So here's everything coming down to nothing..."






"...As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on
The days drag on
Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale,
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down,
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance...
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know...

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale,
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rear view mirror disappearing now
And it's too late for you and your white horse
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now..."






"...I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain."




Sometimes song lyrics just express my feelings better than actual words. And when my heart is hurt deeply, and I can barely see through the tears to type this, it's especially true. 

I Have a Confession....

Long time no see, followers! OK, so there is only 6 of you... but I like to pretend there are more. And you know, I don't really like the term "followers." I like "minions" better. Not that I'm evil and going to make you do my bidding or anything, but I just like minions better. So henceforth, you 6 people shall be minions.

So, quick update. School has been INSANE. INSANE, I tell you, but the semester is finally winding down. I have a presentation next Wednesday and a paper next Thursday and then DONE-- til finals.

But none of this is my confession. And I'm kinda scared to vent my confession on my public blog, but I'm counting on the fact that no one on Facebook actually checks out my websites section and thus does not see the address to this blog. And hopefully the person this involves wouldn't actually click and read the blog. But I will take that chance because I have got to get this off my chest before Thanksgiving-- which is technically in 19 minutes.

So, on Thanksgiving, we are supposed to be thankful for family and friends and good food and spending time with said family.

What if you have to spend part of your holiday with someone you are absolutely NOT THANKFUL FOR?

That is my case tomorrow. I will not say who said person is, but please know this has been eating at me all week and many angry/hurt tears have been shed over it.

I have begged and pleaded with my mom to "change the line-up" so to speak, but she won't budge. She says she was raised to be better than that. She must think she has failed with me.

It's not that I was raised poorly, it's that I'm beyond angry and hurt. I trusted this person with my family and they have grossly betrayed that trust, and I can honestly not even stand the thought of them anymore. Anytime I do think of them, it's also quickly followed by the thought of slapping them.

I know this is all very un-Christian of me, but my human side is apparently taking over on this issue.

I think I can honestly say I have never ever been this hurt and angry before. My mom used to tell me I forgave people too easily and that even after I was hurt I went back to trusting someone again too soon. Guess that person grew up and learned some lessons in the real world.

Now she wishes that I could forgive said person and "start over." When I've been hurt like this, there is no "starting over." I can forgive you, but I will never ever treat you the same as it was before.

I will not let them ruin my Thanksgiving, but I can't act like I'm delighted said person is gracing us with his/her presence. They will come in, smile and act like nothing has happened. They will come in and give me a hug.

And for the first time in my life, I will not hug back.