And So It Begins...

Remember last year's post, the "Post-Holiday Stress Disorder" and about all of my family descending HERE for Christmas? Well... it is starting all over again today! With one major exception. My Uncle from Tennessee will not be joining us for Christmas because he recently got engaged and is spending the time with his fiancee's family.

Needless to say, yesterday was spent in a cloud of cleaning chemicals to get ready for the return of Aunt Sandy and Uncle Bob. Yay!

I know my last few posts have been kind of depressing, so I wanted everyone to know I am back in the Christmas spirit. The house is mostly decorated-- which it wasn't for previous posts, which may explain why the Christmas Spirit was delayed...

I'm glad Christmas will less stressful this year, since not as many people will be here (Although, we will all miss Uncle Ken, but he may not miss having to sleep in the basement...) and we will not have the family reunion to plan.

So let the fun begin!

from: http://princessdisney-princesasdisney.blogspot.com/

Merry Christmas!

The Holidays Are Upon Us!

Ahh yes. December is upon us, where we frequently hear:

"Merry Christmas!"

or...

"Happy Holidays!" if you are so inclined.

Regardless, each greeting has some wish of happiness or merriment involved.

But the holidays aren't happy for all of us. For some of us, it is a time of pain and we fight to hold on to the joy we were taught to have so long ago.

If you couldn't tell, I am definitely one of those this year. And it hurts, because Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I love driving around and seeing all the twinkling lights through the darkness. To me, it perfectly defines Christmas: Light in the darkness.

Anyone who read my previous entry-- or actually knows me-- knows that I recently suffered a heartbreak.  It wasn't like we were dating and he dumped me or I dumped him, but it was still significant for me. I thought this time, I might actually have been able to answer "yes!" this year at the family reunions when people asked me if I was seeing anyone.

I think what hurts the most, is that-- and this is about to get real pathetic-sounding-- is that I begged God to help me STOP liking this boy if THIS is how it was going to end up. I've been down this road too many times before and I didn't want to walk it again. THAT is what hurt the most: it feels like God didn't care and wanted me to go through this all over again-- for the 4th time, if you are wondering why the previous entry was titled "number 4," now you know.

This feeling of being single and alone is something that usually hits me at the holidays, but not like this. I guess it's because the wound is too fresh and I was so taken by surprise that it didn't end up like I seriously thought it would for the first time.


So now I cringe every time I hear "All I Want for Christmas is You" or any other song like that.

Give me the regular Christmas songs from the hymnal! Not everybody is happy and in love at Christmas. And not everybody wants to hear how everybody else in their world IS, but I don't wish them unhappiness or anything.

I just wish I had the same happiness.

At least happiness does not equal joy.

And nothing can steal my Christmas joy. Not even a potential Flynn Rider, sailing off into the distance.

(As usual, all images owned by Disney)

number 4...

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part..."






"...So here's everything coming down to nothing..."






"...As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on
The days drag on
Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale,
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down,
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance...
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know...

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale,
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rear view mirror disappearing now
And it's too late for you and your white horse
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now..."






"...I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain."




Sometimes song lyrics just express my feelings better than actual words. And when my heart is hurt deeply, and I can barely see through the tears to type this, it's especially true. 

I Have a Confession....

Long time no see, followers! OK, so there is only 6 of you... but I like to pretend there are more. And you know, I don't really like the term "followers." I like "minions" better. Not that I'm evil and going to make you do my bidding or anything, but I just like minions better. So henceforth, you 6 people shall be minions.

So, quick update. School has been INSANE. INSANE, I tell you, but the semester is finally winding down. I have a presentation next Wednesday and a paper next Thursday and then DONE-- til finals.

But none of this is my confession. And I'm kinda scared to vent my confession on my public blog, but I'm counting on the fact that no one on Facebook actually checks out my websites section and thus does not see the address to this blog. And hopefully the person this involves wouldn't actually click and read the blog. But I will take that chance because I have got to get this off my chest before Thanksgiving-- which is technically in 19 minutes.

So, on Thanksgiving, we are supposed to be thankful for family and friends and good food and spending time with said family.

What if you have to spend part of your holiday with someone you are absolutely NOT THANKFUL FOR?

That is my case tomorrow. I will not say who said person is, but please know this has been eating at me all week and many angry/hurt tears have been shed over it.

I have begged and pleaded with my mom to "change the line-up" so to speak, but she won't budge. She says she was raised to be better than that. She must think she has failed with me.

It's not that I was raised poorly, it's that I'm beyond angry and hurt. I trusted this person with my family and they have grossly betrayed that trust, and I can honestly not even stand the thought of them anymore. Anytime I do think of them, it's also quickly followed by the thought of slapping them.

I know this is all very un-Christian of me, but my human side is apparently taking over on this issue.

I think I can honestly say I have never ever been this hurt and angry before. My mom used to tell me I forgave people too easily and that even after I was hurt I went back to trusting someone again too soon. Guess that person grew up and learned some lessons in the real world.

Now she wishes that I could forgive said person and "start over." When I've been hurt like this, there is no "starting over." I can forgive you, but I will never ever treat you the same as it was before.

I will not let them ruin my Thanksgiving, but I can't act like I'm delighted said person is gracing us with his/her presence. They will come in, smile and act like nothing has happened. They will come in and give me a hug.

And for the first time in my life, I will not hug back.

Stuck in the Real World Indeed.

Wow. What a week. And, obviously, it's only THURSDAY.  There are still 2 or 3 days left in this week, depending on how you look at it. However, it is the end of the week for me, because I am done with class til Tuesday. Hooray!

You have NO IDEA what a relief that is. Maybe you will feel my relief after seeing my schedule:

Tuesday: Observation: 7:30am - 3pm @ Columbiana Middle School
Wednesday: Class: 1pm - 4pm @ Montevallo
Thursday: Class: 8am - 11am and 12pm - 3pm at Oak Mountain Middle School.

(Do not ask me why we have graduate classes at a middle school. We are still trying to figure that out ourselves.)

Speaking of figuring stuff out. Wow. There is A LOT of stuff to figure out. Both of our professors bombarded us with info and notes and reading and projects, etc. I'm pretty sure the scared, tired faces I saw across the room were a mirror of my own face as the day wore on.

One of our professors tried to briefly discuss at least 3 different projects with us. Some aren't due until late October. It just made us even more confused.

The thing that kills me is having to sit in class for THREE HOURS per class. My undiagnosed ADD kicks me out of class at the 1.5 hour mark. Good think our professors decided to give us a 10 minute break at that point. Then we had to return from break for more project discussion. Sigh.

My mom said that is how most grad schools operate. How come I didn't know this?

For part of my 2nd class today I was in a great internal argument  with myself about staying in the program and if I was really supposed to be here.

I felt like God gave me a choice. It was to stay here and go to school to be a teacher or to go to Disney World and stay. I felt He told me I would be happy doing either and it was truly my choice.

Natalie asked me today, "So why did you choose to stay?"

Good question.

It's been a while...

Yes. It has been a while since I wrote. I have been crazy busy with grad school and it's only about to get crazier. I spent my Labor Day laboring over a minimum 2-page paper about my personal literacy history or something. In other words, reading and writing and how they have fit into my life.

Can I not do a paper about Art and how THAT fits into my life? Don't get me wrong, I love reading and writing (hence this blog), but I think Art fits much better into my life and my life as a future teacher of ART. Oh well. The professor said she would prove to us that even art teachers are teachers of reading and writing. I'll let you know if she proves it.

What am I doing up so late? I was over at a friend's, Natalie's, working on my paper with her and my other friend, Carla. Eventually, it was time to go home, so I took Carla back to her apartment where she had no power. I asked my dad if it would be cool if she crashed at the house tonight, since we have this paper due and she had NO AIR-- which, I know it's supposed to be cooler tomorrow... but still-- he said it would be fine. And he asked my mom.

I get home with Carla and my mom is perfectly nice to her. I go to ask my mom about how their drive back from Montgomery was and she is clearly ticked at me. I mean, I would've rather her just said "No" about Carla then her go to bed mad at me.

So that's really why I'm up this late. It's because I'm upset. I hate it when my parents are upset with me.

I understand that she's tired because she gets up early with my granddad when he's over, but continues to go to bed late. I'm tired, too, and she knows it. But really, just say NO! Carla said she could've found somewhere else, but considering it was 11:45 at night, it was going to be hard.

OK. I'm moving on from this in an effort to calm down so I can get some sleep. I need sleep. This week is going to be crazy, but next week is going to be crazier.

Next week, I start spending my Tuesdays in Middle School observing an art class. I have to be in the classroom at 7:30am. Guess who got stuck with the school 45+ minutes away? And guess who gets to start this on her birthday? Yep, Me. Joy.

It's exciting I finally get to go into a school, but did we have to start on my birthday? Oh well. Arg. There I go complaining again. Sigh.

I can still hear the wind blowing outside my window. That was some CRAZY wind tonight over at Nat's. Carla and I kept thinking a tree was going to come down on her apartment. When there was a big gust, we would all look nervously towards her kitchen window.

Luckily, no trees came down around my house, or Carla's, or Nat's. We are all safe and sound.

I'm sure a more productive use of this time would have been to actually be working on my paper... ha.

But I wanted to catch up on my blogs instead and I realized I hadn't checked them in a while and missed some really neat stuff, like Mollie's 30 Day photo project... which I'm totally going to do... even though I'll be starting as she's finishing. It will give me time to sit down each day and decompress from the craziness-- which seems to be a recurring word in this entry.

Craziness... I can get through it. :-)

What to Do What to Do?

So today, I'm doing an on-location blog, from my Android phone that I lovingly call "Lil Optimus." Why? I am sitting in the first meeting of my second grad school class and the teacher has yer to show up. Class started at 1, it is now 1:37. Why hasn't anyone left, you ask? Simple. Her secretary came in and told us she wouldn't be here til after 2. Wouldn't an email have been nice? I think so. Especially since she sent one out to us yesterday telling us that class would start at 2, but the location was TBA. Oh yeah. The secretary said she was at a FUNERAL. I think yesterday when she emailed us she knew she was going to a funeral.in Decatur today. Just a thought.

Anyway, grad school is going well. It's keeping me super busy but I have a high "A" in the class for all my hard work.

This new class only meets 4 times. That is weird to me. At Alabama, summer classes met for the WHOLE MONTH. Not just 4 hours, 2 days a week for 2 weeks. Granted, it's a one-credit course. But I have to pay full one hour tuition for a class that meets 4 times. Sigh.

Oh well. Toto, we aren't in Tuscaloosa anymore!

Why I Am Rapunzel.... and Kyla is Belle and Why Kyla Rocks.

The "Cereal" Killer and the Princess, Halloween 2004

The other night, my best friend Kyla and I were texting back and forth like crazy when I decided to pick up the phone and actually call her. We went on to talk for an hour and a half.

Kyla may live in Texas, but we carry on conversations like we are in the same room. It's like she never moved back home and we still live in the same apartment. We spend maybe 5 minutes catching up on our lives-- unless something dramatic has happened to one of us, usually me-- and then we go on to talk about very random things and usually crack ourselves up a few times along the way. Last night, it was more than a few.

Kyla and I stare up at the Others, at Disney World

Kyla and I have loads in common and have rubbed off on each other in lots of ways. She got me hooked on The OC (which I've been re-watching on The WB -- until they rudely skipped to season 2 before I was done with season 1). I got her hooked on the X-Files-- except for good old Tooms. We got hooked on LOST together and would get together to watch it and stare at each other with jaws dropped at the end of every episode. We traded books back and forth and stole each other's music (sorry record executives, but if you had made the CDs more affordable for 2 college chicks without jobs, we might each could have bought our own). And yes, she is the one who got me hooked on Twilight. But I got her back by recently getting her hooked on the Circle series by Ted Dekker.

We have had many shared, random obsessions, and also many, many inside jokes. (Snoaches, anyone? Phoenix? Dragon?)

Last night, our conversation turned to why I "am" Rapunzel-- something I have been insisting on since Tangled came out in November. Kyla at last got the chance to see it over the weekend and like many others--including myself-- have seen some similarities between the most recent Disney Princess and myself.

But before we got to me, I was curious as to which Princess Kyla thought that she identified with the most. This turned into us making lists of why we are Belle and Rapunzel. I, being the dork, decided to write them down and warned that people had been wanting me to write my list on the blog and that I would now be posting both.

So. Here we Go.

The Reasons that Kyla is Belle:

 UA Homecoming, 2007

- She has brown hair
- She can speak a language other than English (Belle speaks French, Kyla speaks Spanish. Fine. It's a reach, but still!)
- She likes to read copious amounts of literature
- She lives in a small town full of "ninnies" (her exact words. I laughed as I asked if "ninnies" had 2 "n's")
- She talks to inanimate objects
- She married Adam-- who is tall and when his hair gets long is shaggy
- She is sweet and nice, but she can be feisty
- She got hit on by creepy, arrogant people
- She often has her food served to her (because she does not cook often)
- She is too curious for her own good
- When someone tells her something is not good, she then immediately wants to do/see it anyway
- She bursts into random song and dance



After we toiled over the reasons why Kyla was Belle, we made the list everyone has been waiting for:

Alabama Football, 2007

The Reasons that Emily is Rapunzel
- She has long, golden hair
- She has a small, green "companion" (my stuffed animal turtle, Willy, for those of you who don't know)
- She is an artist
- She was raised by someone who was not her true parents (Although, my parents were much better than Mother Gothel, let's clarify that. Although, my mom did always insist on fixing my hair....)
- She wonders when her life will begin (see previous entry)
- She knows how to use a frying pan (in the cooking sense, ha ha. But I'm sure I could use it as a weapon, if neceassary)
- She is slightly naive
- She likes to escape reality (living in Disney World, anyone?)
- She is a peacemaker.
- She is good with large groups-- including large groups of ruffians.
- She bursts into random song and dance.

Ok, so the last two are the same for both of us. You should've with us in Court Woods when we could often be seen having random interpretive dance sessions. The one i remember is "Paralyzer," I'm pretty sure it was our greatest dance.

I'm writing all this to say how very thankful and blessed I am to have a friend like Kyla, who takes me as I am and still wants to hang out with me, and talk to me for an hour and the half on the phone about completely random things. Not many people would go around their town hunting arty sheep with you in SHEEP HUNT: 2011. But that's us. Crazy, and random.

"Lucky Ewe" in downtown San Angelo, Texas, part of SHEEP HUNT: 2011

 Now if only we lived closer together.... wait. That might be too much for the world to handle. oh well. ;)

"When Will My Life Begin?"

Ahh yes. The opening song to "Tangled"-- which is probably my new favorite Disney movie. Why?

I feel A LOT like Rapunzel as of late--besides my long, golden hair. ;)

For those who haven't seen the movie, Rapunzel has been stuck in her tower her whole life, doing the same thing everyday and wonders when her life will ACTUALLY begin.

That is EXACTLY how I feel right now! I go to work everyday and do the same old things every day. But when am I REALLY going to start my life?

When am I going to be out in the world on my own? When am I going to meet the man I'm going to marry? More importantly, when am I going to figure out what I'm supposed to do with my life?

I know, I know. I've told most of you that I'm applying for grad school and everything. And I'm still planning on doing that.

But Disney is always in the back of my mind as an option.

I honestly feel like God has told me that I'll be happy doing either. But honestly, I would rather Him just say that one is completely wrong.

What if I get my teaching degree and love it, but always wonder, "What

if i had moved to Orlando?"

I just need to pick a direction and be happy with it and love it. It's like what they tell you in marriage. Love is a daily choice. You don't necessarily "like" the person every single day, but you still choose to love them once the gushy feelings are gone.

I

guess that can apply to job options, too, right?

I still gets tears in my eyes at any Disney commercial. It was a huge part of my life--even if it was only 5 months. It's where I did most of my growing up. It's where I could truly be myself all day, every day. Is that where I really belong? I know it wouldn't be the same as it was 5 years ago. The people aren't there. I might not even get to work in the same area, but would that matter?

Yet, I love kids--probably get along better with them than I do adults. ha

ha. I love art. I want to make a difference in someone's life. Is teaching where I belong?

I need to make my choice and leap out the tower like Rapunzel.

Of course, Rapunzel did have some help from Flynn Rider...

So Flynn, if you're out there, I'm waiting for you to come help me out. ;)

*please note: I do not own the images from Tangled. They are owned by the Walt Disney Company.*

Post-Holiday Stress Disorder.

Well. The holidays are over! and they've been over for most of the rest of the world for nearly a month. However, due to the holiday craziness, my family's tree just came down on Saturday. yes, Saturday. In our defense, we would've taken in down the week before, but that week wasn't the week the city picks up excess trash. This week was.

Speaking of the holidays, I survived. Obviously, or I wouldn't be writing this.

But what a holiday season it was!

Let's do this by who rolled in and when.

December 21-- Aunt Sandy and Uncle Bob from Maryland

December 23-- Granddaddy from Montgomery and Uncle Ken from Tennessee

December 24-- Andy, who now lives in Vestavia, and Katy from Birmingham.

So along with my parents, that made NINE of us in our THREE bedroom house. NINE in THREE. You do the math. Granted, Andy and Katy only stayed the nights of the 24th and 25th, but still.

Honestly, mom had been wondering for MONTHS--since, like, SUMMER, I kid you not-- where we were going to put everyone for Christmas. And since I'm sure you're wondering, too, let me break it down.

I got my room, and my parents got theirs. Lucky us. My granddad got Andy's old room, now the guest room. Aunt Sandy and Uncle Bob got what we all like to affectionately call the "lounge" and the sleeper sofa (they got the guest room when Granddaddy wasn't there). Uncle Ken got to sleep in the unfinished basement on my bed i'd used in my college apartment. Katy slept on the air mattress in my room. And Andy--bless him-- slept in his HAMMOCK in the basement. He preferred this to sleeping on an air mattress in the dining room or on my parents floor. It's not like we forced him to sleep down there.

You'd think with NINE people in the house we would have had a lot of drama. Surprisingly, we did not have much. But I won't speak of the drama here. Likely, you've already heard of it. ;)

The day after Christmas Mom and Aunt Sandy had the family reunion for their mother's side to plan so that consumed a lot of Christmas. Andy, Katy --and even Uncle Ken, my dad's brother-- and I rolled silverware for what felt like FOREVER. Yes, we ROLLED it. Because it wasn't enough to just stick in the cardboard box like all the other hosts do. That's how my mom and aunt roll.

I understand they wanted it to be special. This was our second year without my grandmother and the first family reunion that it was her turn to host, but she wasn't here to do.

For Uncle Ken, this was the first Christmas without his wife, my Aunt Gayle, but he fit right in with the other crazies and we embraced him and he embraced all of us.

We all jammed onto 1 and 1/3rd pews at church on Christmas Eve. I always loved going to the service when it was just 4 of us, but going with 8 other family members is even more meaningful, knowing that we all truly know the Reason for the season and that even those of us who are no longer here, we'll one day see again.

So Christmas was wild and crazy. And by December 31st, everyone had gone.

and it was quiet. too quiet.

I'm one of those people who doesn't react to changes in my routine. By the time I'd gotten used to the extra people in the house, they were gone. Then I had to get used the quiet. And it returning to just me and my parents in our three bedroom house.

I love the holiday season. I love having my family around. I love the traditions. Heck, let's be honest-- I LOVE getting off work.

But then it just all..... ends.

It happens every year. There's this HUGE buildup to Christmas, and then it's over a couple of weeks later.

And sometimes, it's like the happy feeling ends with it.

The time after Christmas is always a sad time for me. I think of my life and how it STILL isn't where I thought it would be. I'm STILL living at home. STILL single. STILL waiting for the perfect job. the perfect opportunity.

But it's a little ways into 2011, and the year isn't looking so peachy right now.

Maybe that has something to do with coming off the holiday season of happiness and joy. Maybe it's just me and that I still feel stuck and lost.

And I'm sick of feeling this way. Really, I am.

So. I'm going to turn this year around. I've got to.