Snapping Turtles!

I love turtles. They are my favorite animal. I once had a "friend" tell me that the reason he thought I loved turtles so much is because I like to hide, like turtles do in their shells. I retorted that I just loved turtles. 

There is one group of turtles that I am not fond of: snapping turtles. And they are what I think of as I look back over the last week. 

Just like I love turtles, I love my friends-- even if we snap at each other. That snapping has happened a lot this week. 

I had two friends snapping at each other Tuesday while we were all working together, getting free calendars for our future classrooms. 

I had a good friend snap at me today-- but it didn't bother me because I could tell something serious was bothering her. I let it go. And she apologized profusely the rest of the evening. Her mom told her to buy my dinner one night. 

I snapped at my group tonight during group work. Well, it was directed at just one person in the group, but the other person felt its harshness, too.

And I will say what I snapped about. It was something that had been brought up TUESDAY. I was hanging on to the hurt that long and tonight I snapped. I told the group I was tired of being looked at like my Art degree meant something less than theirs, just because I didn't take all the classes they did. I bet I worked just as hard. UM and the State Department of Education thought I had enough classes and what I needed to teach, so why can't these people let it go?

After class, two of my friends and I were walking back to our cars. Carla, in my group and NOT one of the ones I snapped at, and I were glad that our other friend had snapping in their group, too. She assumed we've hit that point in the semester.

Last week, someone cried in class and even I slammed my notebook shut in frustration. Tonight, someone had said they weren't coming to class and they didn't care that we had a test. 

Yep... It's that point in the semester. 

For those of you looking for a snapping turtle pic, sorry. I just don't find them as cute as regular turtles. :)

And So It Begins...

Remember last year's post, the "Post-Holiday Stress Disorder" and about all of my family descending HERE for Christmas? Well... it is starting all over again today! With one major exception. My Uncle from Tennessee will not be joining us for Christmas because he recently got engaged and is spending the time with his fiancee's family.

Needless to say, yesterday was spent in a cloud of cleaning chemicals to get ready for the return of Aunt Sandy and Uncle Bob. Yay!

I know my last few posts have been kind of depressing, so I wanted everyone to know I am back in the Christmas spirit. The house is mostly decorated-- which it wasn't for previous posts, which may explain why the Christmas Spirit was delayed...

I'm glad Christmas will less stressful this year, since not as many people will be here (Although, we will all miss Uncle Ken, but he may not miss having to sleep in the basement...) and we will not have the family reunion to plan.

So let the fun begin!

from: http://princessdisney-princesasdisney.blogspot.com/

Merry Christmas!

The Holidays Are Upon Us!

Ahh yes. December is upon us, where we frequently hear:

"Merry Christmas!"

or...

"Happy Holidays!" if you are so inclined.

Regardless, each greeting has some wish of happiness or merriment involved.

But the holidays aren't happy for all of us. For some of us, it is a time of pain and we fight to hold on to the joy we were taught to have so long ago.

If you couldn't tell, I am definitely one of those this year. And it hurts, because Christmas has always been my favorite time of year. I love driving around and seeing all the twinkling lights through the darkness. To me, it perfectly defines Christmas: Light in the darkness.

Anyone who read my previous entry-- or actually knows me-- knows that I recently suffered a heartbreak.  It wasn't like we were dating and he dumped me or I dumped him, but it was still significant for me. I thought this time, I might actually have been able to answer "yes!" this year at the family reunions when people asked me if I was seeing anyone.

I think what hurts the most, is that-- and this is about to get real pathetic-sounding-- is that I begged God to help me STOP liking this boy if THIS is how it was going to end up. I've been down this road too many times before and I didn't want to walk it again. THAT is what hurt the most: it feels like God didn't care and wanted me to go through this all over again-- for the 4th time, if you are wondering why the previous entry was titled "number 4," now you know.

This feeling of being single and alone is something that usually hits me at the holidays, but not like this. I guess it's because the wound is too fresh and I was so taken by surprise that it didn't end up like I seriously thought it would for the first time.


So now I cringe every time I hear "All I Want for Christmas is You" or any other song like that.

Give me the regular Christmas songs from the hymnal! Not everybody is happy and in love at Christmas. And not everybody wants to hear how everybody else in their world IS, but I don't wish them unhappiness or anything.

I just wish I had the same happiness.

At least happiness does not equal joy.

And nothing can steal my Christmas joy. Not even a potential Flynn Rider, sailing off into the distance.

(As usual, all images owned by Disney)

number 4...

"When you're dreaming with a broken heart, waking up is the hardest part..."






"...So here's everything coming down to nothing..."






"...As I paced back and forth all this time
Cause I honestly believed in you
Holding on
The days drag on
Stupid girl,
I should have known, I should have known

I'm not a princess, this ain't a fairy tale,
I'm not the one you'll sweep off her feet,
Lead her up the stairwell
This ain't Hollywood, this is a small town,
I was a dreamer before you went and let me down,
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to come around

Baby I was naive,
Got lost in your eyes
And never really had a chance...
I had so many dreams
About you and me
Happy endings
Now I know...

And there you are on your knees,
Begging for forgiveness, begging for me
Just like I always wanted but I'm so sorry

Cause I'm not your princess, this ain't a fairytale,
I'm gonna find someone someday who might actually treat me well
This is a big world, that was a small town
There in my rear view mirror disappearing now
And it's too late for you and your white horse
Now it's too late for you and your white horse to catch me now..."






"...I'll wonder why God lets me walk through this place
And though I can't understand why this happened
I know that I will when I look back someday
And see how you've brought beauty from ashes
And made me as gold purified through these flames

After all this has passed, I still will remain
After I've cried my last, there'll be beauty from pain
Though it won't be today, someday I'll hope again
And there'll be beauty from pain
You will bring beauty from my pain."




Sometimes song lyrics just express my feelings better than actual words. And when my heart is hurt deeply, and I can barely see through the tears to type this, it's especially true. 

I Have a Confession....

Long time no see, followers! OK, so there is only 6 of you... but I like to pretend there are more. And you know, I don't really like the term "followers." I like "minions" better. Not that I'm evil and going to make you do my bidding or anything, but I just like minions better. So henceforth, you 6 people shall be minions.

So, quick update. School has been INSANE. INSANE, I tell you, but the semester is finally winding down. I have a presentation next Wednesday and a paper next Thursday and then DONE-- til finals.

But none of this is my confession. And I'm kinda scared to vent my confession on my public blog, but I'm counting on the fact that no one on Facebook actually checks out my websites section and thus does not see the address to this blog. And hopefully the person this involves wouldn't actually click and read the blog. But I will take that chance because I have got to get this off my chest before Thanksgiving-- which is technically in 19 minutes.

So, on Thanksgiving, we are supposed to be thankful for family and friends and good food and spending time with said family.

What if you have to spend part of your holiday with someone you are absolutely NOT THANKFUL FOR?

That is my case tomorrow. I will not say who said person is, but please know this has been eating at me all week and many angry/hurt tears have been shed over it.

I have begged and pleaded with my mom to "change the line-up" so to speak, but she won't budge. She says she was raised to be better than that. She must think she has failed with me.

It's not that I was raised poorly, it's that I'm beyond angry and hurt. I trusted this person with my family and they have grossly betrayed that trust, and I can honestly not even stand the thought of them anymore. Anytime I do think of them, it's also quickly followed by the thought of slapping them.

I know this is all very un-Christian of me, but my human side is apparently taking over on this issue.

I think I can honestly say I have never ever been this hurt and angry before. My mom used to tell me I forgave people too easily and that even after I was hurt I went back to trusting someone again too soon. Guess that person grew up and learned some lessons in the real world.

Now she wishes that I could forgive said person and "start over." When I've been hurt like this, there is no "starting over." I can forgive you, but I will never ever treat you the same as it was before.

I will not let them ruin my Thanksgiving, but I can't act like I'm delighted said person is gracing us with his/her presence. They will come in, smile and act like nothing has happened. They will come in and give me a hug.

And for the first time in my life, I will not hug back.

Stuck in the Real World Indeed.

Wow. What a week. And, obviously, it's only THURSDAY.  There are still 2 or 3 days left in this week, depending on how you look at it. However, it is the end of the week for me, because I am done with class til Tuesday. Hooray!

You have NO IDEA what a relief that is. Maybe you will feel my relief after seeing my schedule:

Tuesday: Observation: 7:30am - 3pm @ Columbiana Middle School
Wednesday: Class: 1pm - 4pm @ Montevallo
Thursday: Class: 8am - 11am and 12pm - 3pm at Oak Mountain Middle School.

(Do not ask me why we have graduate classes at a middle school. We are still trying to figure that out ourselves.)

Speaking of figuring stuff out. Wow. There is A LOT of stuff to figure out. Both of our professors bombarded us with info and notes and reading and projects, etc. I'm pretty sure the scared, tired faces I saw across the room were a mirror of my own face as the day wore on.

One of our professors tried to briefly discuss at least 3 different projects with us. Some aren't due until late October. It just made us even more confused.

The thing that kills me is having to sit in class for THREE HOURS per class. My undiagnosed ADD kicks me out of class at the 1.5 hour mark. Good think our professors decided to give us a 10 minute break at that point. Then we had to return from break for more project discussion. Sigh.

My mom said that is how most grad schools operate. How come I didn't know this?

For part of my 2nd class today I was in a great internal argument  with myself about staying in the program and if I was really supposed to be here.

I felt like God gave me a choice. It was to stay here and go to school to be a teacher or to go to Disney World and stay. I felt He told me I would be happy doing either and it was truly my choice.

Natalie asked me today, "So why did you choose to stay?"

Good question.

It's been a while...

Yes. It has been a while since I wrote. I have been crazy busy with grad school and it's only about to get crazier. I spent my Labor Day laboring over a minimum 2-page paper about my personal literacy history or something. In other words, reading and writing and how they have fit into my life.

Can I not do a paper about Art and how THAT fits into my life? Don't get me wrong, I love reading and writing (hence this blog), but I think Art fits much better into my life and my life as a future teacher of ART. Oh well. The professor said she would prove to us that even art teachers are teachers of reading and writing. I'll let you know if she proves it.

What am I doing up so late? I was over at a friend's, Natalie's, working on my paper with her and my other friend, Carla. Eventually, it was time to go home, so I took Carla back to her apartment where she had no power. I asked my dad if it would be cool if she crashed at the house tonight, since we have this paper due and she had NO AIR-- which, I know it's supposed to be cooler tomorrow... but still-- he said it would be fine. And he asked my mom.

I get home with Carla and my mom is perfectly nice to her. I go to ask my mom about how their drive back from Montgomery was and she is clearly ticked at me. I mean, I would've rather her just said "No" about Carla then her go to bed mad at me.

So that's really why I'm up this late. It's because I'm upset. I hate it when my parents are upset with me.

I understand that she's tired because she gets up early with my granddad when he's over, but continues to go to bed late. I'm tired, too, and she knows it. But really, just say NO! Carla said she could've found somewhere else, but considering it was 11:45 at night, it was going to be hard.

OK. I'm moving on from this in an effort to calm down so I can get some sleep. I need sleep. This week is going to be crazy, but next week is going to be crazier.

Next week, I start spending my Tuesdays in Middle School observing an art class. I have to be in the classroom at 7:30am. Guess who got stuck with the school 45+ minutes away? And guess who gets to start this on her birthday? Yep, Me. Joy.

It's exciting I finally get to go into a school, but did we have to start on my birthday? Oh well. Arg. There I go complaining again. Sigh.

I can still hear the wind blowing outside my window. That was some CRAZY wind tonight over at Nat's. Carla and I kept thinking a tree was going to come down on her apartment. When there was a big gust, we would all look nervously towards her kitchen window.

Luckily, no trees came down around my house, or Carla's, or Nat's. We are all safe and sound.

I'm sure a more productive use of this time would have been to actually be working on my paper... ha.

But I wanted to catch up on my blogs instead and I realized I hadn't checked them in a while and missed some really neat stuff, like Mollie's 30 Day photo project... which I'm totally going to do... even though I'll be starting as she's finishing. It will give me time to sit down each day and decompress from the craziness-- which seems to be a recurring word in this entry.

Craziness... I can get through it. :-)